It's only the first semester..... :(

These days I am having a hard time remembering what it felt like not to have anxiety.  I have never been one of those people who have enjoyed school.  In fact, one of my main motivations for going to college was because my father really wanted his kids to get a college degree.  I didn't know what else to do with myself as a high school graduate at 17 years old, so I sucked it up and went to college to make my dad proud.  After I graduated college, I swore I would never go back, and what do you know here I am again....never say never I guess.  I have come to the conclusion that the reason I hate school is not because I don't enjoy learning, but because I hate the feeling that come with school, and for me that feeling is a constant feeling of anxiety, guilt, and dread.  At the end of the day there is always something more that needs to be done that fills me with anxiety.  The guilt that I feel when I am having a drink with a friend knowing that I should actually be home doing homework or when I am doing that homework and knowing that time should be spent with my child, and the dread I comes over me when I actually have to go write that paper.  I was pretty good at self care when it was just my job, but now that my self care time is being occupied by school it taking a toll on my ability to take care of myself.  Self care is so important in my line of work, but the reality of the situation is that for the next 3 years, I am going to have to tough it out and try and cope with anxiety.  I think there should be credit given for social workers!

Product of HNI

This week for my Social Work 541 class we were asked to read the book Healing and Mental Health for Native Americans.  The 3rd chapter of the book was on Reducing Substance Abuse in American Indian and Alaska Native Communities, The Healthy Nations Initiative.

While reading this chapter in particular some of my childhood experiences started coming into focus.  Little did I know, the clinic that I have gone to for my entire life, United Indian Health Services (UIHS), was part of the Healthy Nations Initiative.  UIHS was funded by HNI around the time that I was going through High School.  Growing up, I would say that I had a privileged childhood; two parents who loved each other and their children were the center of their world, had a roof over my head with my very own bedroom, plenty of food to eat, and a close tight knit family.  At the beginning of my freshman year in High School tragedy struck our family and my father was killed in an accident at work.  This tragedy sent me and my family into a tailspin.  I slowly, but surely started getting into the party scene and started drinking more and more.  By the time I was a junior in high school I had quite a bit of experience with alcohol, and this is about the time UIHS had joined the HNI.  Even though I was a decent student, played sports, and didn't get into trouble, I was labeled as an "at risk" youth.  I was a Native American student whose father had died and I was drinking alcohol.  Looking back, this was about the time that me and a group of other "at risk" Native American student started getting pulled out of class to attend a group meeting where we hung out and talked about risks of substance abuse as well as our culture and things that interested us.  It was a time in my life that I was needing to feel connected to something and this was an avenue for me to start getting re-connected with my culture and feel like I belonged somewhere.  There were also Native activities that us kids were able to get involved in.  We had contests to design anti smoking logos, basketball tournaments that promoted a substance free lifestyle, Teen Advisory Group (TAG), and culture camps.  By the time my senior  year in high school rolled around I was not interested drinking as much anymore and more looking towards my future and where I was going to college.  As a child, you don't think much about why there are activities for you all of a sudden or the why a push to get more involved with cultural events, you just do them so you aren't bored or you want to hang out with your friends.  It was a trip for me to read that chapter and realize that I am a product of The Healthy Nations Initiative.  Programs like these do work, and I am a living example of that.

What a week!

Well, what a week I had!  This week has been challenging in a way I never expected.  This week I had the privilege of attending and participating in a 3 day cultural awareness training on the historical trauma that was intended for Humboldt County social workers, supervisors, and management.  When attending the training I was expecting to be an observer, but I ended up being a full blown participator, and what a blessing that turned out to be.  When the training began, it started off with the boarding school experience and the effects of historical trauma, but the special thing about this training was we got the down and dirty version of it.  Statistic like 94% of native children that were forced into boarding school were sexually abused.  Video of survivors of boarding schools.  We also had local elders come in and give their stories about boarding schools and historical trauma.  Every day that I went home, I was sick to my stomach and my emotions were raw, but I have never had the privilege of having an opportunity as rich and powerful as this.
On the second day we had a panel of guest speakers come in to share their stories.  One of the panelist happened to be one of my clients who had successfully reunified with her children after having them removed by the Child Welfare System.  She was asked to share some of her experience of being in the CWS system and what supports helped her through and be successful.  She went into her story and told us that after her children were removed and placed into foster care her son was molested while in care.  The county refused to place her children with a family member and didn't tell her what had happened to her son for quite a while.  She told the story of how things started changing for her when her ICWA social worker from her Tribe got involved, and all of a sudden her eyes locked on me.  I realized that I was her ICWA social worker.  She talked about how me just being a friend to her and treating her like a real person was what made a difference for her.  She told the story of how finally after ICWA had gotten involved, her children were finally placed with her family, and it wasn't till then, knowing her children were safe with family, that she was able to get the help she needed to be able to reunify with her children.  She is now going back to school in hopes to be a ICWA worker one day.
This  story was so powerful to me because not only did I have no idea she felt this way, but for years I have carried around guilt that I had not done enough for this young mother.  At the time this case was going on I was the only social worker at the Yurok Tribe.  This meant that I was actively covering two counties, dealing with out of county cases, as well as participating in out of state cases.  At the time I had approximately 150 kids on my case load.  I was so overwhelmed and in a constant state of crisis mode that I gave the bare minimum to the cases that I had.  Looking back, I have no idea how I accomplished anything at all.  I guess it go to show that treating someone how you would want to be treated goes a long way.  Treating people with respect and listening to their stories is sometime all they need to feel supported and encouraged enough to make changes in their life.  I can't wait till this mom become an advocate for her people, I many ways she has already become one.  I am so proud of her.