Vacation Reflection

So, I have been back from Hawaii for a couple days now.  I am missing the warm weather and relaxed feel of the island.  As I think back over my time in Hawaii I can't help but think of how my time at school is making me see things through a different lens.  As I drove through the streets of Maui I couldn't help but notice how many missions and churches there were.  It made me think of how the people of Hawaii have been colonized.  Hawaii didn't become a state until 1959.  The colonization process started long before then.  One night I went to a luau at one of the big fancy hotels hoping to expose my niece to the Hawaiian culture.  Whereas it was very entertaining, the luau was so far from being cultural, it made me sad.  I thought how exploited the culture had become just to make money off tourists.  One of the days we were there Maui was holding it's annual Whale festival.  We got there just in time for the parade to kick off the festival.  As I was watching the parade a group of kids from the public school came by waiving their flags and marching in the parade.  I noticed that all the kids were brown except for one little blonde kid.  Then a few minutes later the montessori school came by all riding in the bed of a truck and every one of the kids were white.  It made me sad to think that there was such classism and white privilege even is a paradise like Hawaii.

Needing some serious self care

I left for Hawaii anxiety ridden and in desperate need for a vacation.  I don't think I realized how much school and work combined was weighing on me.  Just as I was trying to wrap things up at work, we had a case that is one of those cases that nobody wants to touch because it has to do with a Tribal Council members family.  Well, of course it's my case and the stability of the family fell apart just as I was leaving.  I have been carrying this case for many years and know the history of the case inside and out.  Unless you work at a Tribal agency, you probably will never have to experience what it is like to work for a Tribal government.  Sometimes it can be the most wonderful experience, and sometimes it can be a tad traumatizing.  Well many years ago I was traumatized by this case in particular.  I didn't realize how much it affected me until the case fell apart again and I was right back in the same position 5 years ago trying to make decisions where both sides of the family are Tribal members and both sides of the family have Tribal Council members attached to them.  I am not one to back down from anyone or be bullied about the decisions that we make in our social services department no matter how much my job may be on the line.  My rule with myself is that as long as I can go to sleep at night knowing that I made a thorough thoughtful decision in the best interest of the CHILD, then I am doing okay. 

This time around when I was getting threatened by family, I found myself starting to break down and cry when staffing the case with my co-workers.  My reaction almost shocked me.  Why was this all of a sudden causing me to react like this?  I realized that my experience 5 years ago with this case affected me more than I allowed myself to realized.  I also realized that the extra stress from school wasn't allowing me to process my work as easily as I was able to before school started.  Reading about the boarding school experience for me is traumatizing.  It brings up a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that is hard to shake, and when you have already had a hard trauma filled day at work, it's especially hard to let it go and leave work at work.  Just when I was starting to think that I shouldn't go on my vacation because of all the issues going on at work, I thought, no, this is the perfect time to go.  My co-workers are all extremely talented and just as capable of handling my case as I am.  I haven't had a real break from work in over 6 years and it's about time I practiced self-care and took care of me.  

We had a long stressful day traveling and when we finally arrived in Hawaii and I was able to lay my head down to go to sleep, I found my mind racing with anxious thoughts and feelings of being overwhelmed.  Finally, at about 2 am, I sat up and attempted some mindfulness meditation.  Usually this is pretty easy for me to fall into, but this time I had to really work at focusing on my breathing and calming myself down.  It took me a couple days to completely stop thinking about work and just relax.  I am hoping that this trip is going to get me through the rest of the semester.  Too bad I can't stay on vacation till school is out!

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